QvQ I have so many things to write, but Iâm procrastinating, this is revolving mostly around Corâs time in the tempering grounds with Gilgamesh.
So Cor finds out about the trials of the blademaster through a late night convo between Clarus and Regis
âYouâre not thinking of undertaking the trials, Clarus?â
âAnd leave my princeâs side? I think not.â
Cor is supposed to be sleeping, but heâs up in a flash when he hears about trials, throwing open the tent flaps and catching the two older boys talking by the fire
âWhat trials?â
Regis actually tells Cor about them cause Clarus doesnât want to. âBut only Clarus knows the way to the tempering grounds.â
Clarus brings Cor âFight meâ Leonis to the tempering grounds begrudgingly and gives him the warning spiel
âFuck off Clarus I know what Iâm doing.â
âI sincerely doubt you do.â
Clarus watches wee Cor stomp into the tempering grounds.
That boy gets through the majority of the trials through spite alone
Spirits taunting him as he goes? âFIGHT MEâ, reanimated corpses? âFIGHT MEâ Blademaster, master of the blades, Gilgamesh? âFIGHT MEâ
Cor was a 13 year old boy when he joined the crownsguard, and was only 15 when he traveled with Regis and his crew, heâs got a chip on his shoulders and something to prove.
So he finally comes up against Olâ Gil and heâs so scared
But like, heâs also so mad that heâs this terrified.
âMOVE CHICKEN LEGS OF MINEâ his body is denying his mind
He cuts off Gilgameshâs arm and thinks heâs finally got the upper hand (lol get it)
But Gil is just âSURPRISE, GHOST ARM!â and continues to beat his ass as easily as he was when he had both solid arms.
Heck itâs even stronger
And Cor came into this with a bone to pick, he wants everyone to know heâs strong and that he deserves his spot in the crownsguard and as King Morsâ bodyguard.
and heâs pissed, and his pride isnât letting him back down even with his knees shaking.
Heâs not stopping until heâs dead.
But Gilgamesh can see his potential, and ffs the kid is still a kid, imagine what he could do with time to temper him
So he breaks Corâs sword hand so that he legit canât wield it anymore, and boots him out with a few words of encouragement, keeping his Genji blade.
Cor, little rageball that he was in his youthful days, in fleeing the trial chamber, JACKS THE SWORD FROM THE TRIAL CHAMBER DOOR OUT OF SPITE
Not just out of spite tho, he just lost his sword, he needs another or else heâs screwed.
But also so that no one else can fight Gilgamesh until he does
âFUCK YOU IâM GONNA STEAL YOUR ARM AND YOUR FANCY SWORDâ
Thatâs why unsheathing his sword was the way to open Gilgameshâs otherwise unopenable trial chamber.
He returns to the royal team and theyâre like âWow you really are immortal.â
and heâs just so mad âSTFU GUYS.â
But they try to coddle him a little cause they were legit worried about him.
âLetâs take a look at your hand, it looks pretty bad.â
âYou should see the other guyâs, itâs
lying on the ground
detached from his body.â Cause Cor does have a sardonic and sassy sense of humor letâs be real.
âSo the blademasterâŚâ âIs the master of blades, were you expecting something profound?â
and the gang is just like âCor plzâ
So now wee Corâs getting into his own head
where as Gladio gained reassurance from the trials, Corâs confidence was undermined.
getâs real grumpy
Cid: âWhatâs wrong, Kid? Missed your nap time?â
âDid you, you old coot?â
he just wants to get stronger now
âClarus spar with me.â âItâs time for bed Cor.â âClarus plz.â
Clarus hauls a practice dummy out of the armiger âPretend itâs meâ
He wakes up in the morning to find the practice dummy wearing his vest, thoroughly perforated with itsâ head lopped off
âI pretended it was you.â
âYou wound me, Cor.â
Regis passing by to go to the bathroom âHe certainly would have if that was you.â
âHighness please donât encourage his teenage rebellion.â
Cid: âHeâs as rebellious as a baby coeurl in a paper bagâ
Cor âFight meâ âThe Immortalâ Leonis
@goldslactuar sounds like the next chapter of The King Is Going To Kill Me đ
@blackkatmagic – I blame you for this. I reread your fic âOne is for Sorrowâ and got so many Tobirama feels that I had to write something. The title comes from the Dan Brown quote âBy its very nature, history is always a one-sided account.â from the Da Vinci Code. Hope you like it. Tell me what you think.
ââââââââââ-
They say that history is written by the victors. Itâs the truth if a fairly civilian one. In the shinobi world, history is more often written by the survivors.
And, by a quirk of fate, the Uchiha Clan survived for far longer than the Senju Clan did.
(If you asked a hundred people present at an event about said event, then you would get a hundred different answers. They might be similar, but no two answers would be the exact same. Different things like height and age and upbringing all affect how a person views an event or action. Those raised together are more likely to have similar viewpoints)
History says that Senju Tobirama was the beginning of the downfall of the Uchiha.
(By the time of his death, the Uchiha far outnumbered the Senju. Is it any wonder that history would be recorded as they saw it?)
History says that Tobirama hated the entirety of the Uchiha Clan.
(A partial truth. In his youth, yes. Of course, he did. As a child of constant war, with the Senju and Uchiha being pitted against each other over and over, he was raised to hate them. He was raised with the face of an Uchiha being synonymous with the face of the enemy – the enemy who killed his brothers – the entire clan was. But this wasnât one-sided, the Uchiha hated the Senju just as much as they did them.
But as he spent more time on the battlefield, as he grew older and wiser, that hatred became indifference. The Uchiha were powerful and skilled, yes, but they werenât the only enemy. He even began to look forward to clashing with them – Izuna became a valued rival to test his skills against. Tobirama had felt a flicker of guilt and regret over his death but put it aside, it was war and he would do anything to protect his family.
That had never changed. And when, after itâs founding, Konoha became his family – it became his to protect. And that included every person, every clan, inside its walls)
History says that he didnât trust the Uchiha.
(Forgetting that Kagami was both his student and his friend. That he would take tea every fortnight with a retired Uchiha kunoichi while they grumbled about their students and their antics. That half of his research team, recruited by him personally, were Uchiha and the most of the other half were Nara. That one of the original twelve, hand-picked, members of ANBU who guarded with the villages deepest secrets was an Uchiha.
Ignoring the fact that Tobirama had handed over internal security of the village to the clan as a whole to deal with. That he trusted them to protect both the civilians and the shinobi inside of the village walls.
While at first, yes, he was suspicious he quickly grew to trust the clan.
In fact, Madara was the only one that he didnât trust fairly quickly. Madara who was obsessed with revenge to the point of being half mad. Madara who was the last holdout in his clan to agree to peace. Who demanded that his brother kill himself for the sake of peace.
[Who became his friend over long years of shared exasperation over Hashiramaâs antics. Who was his complete opposite in so many ways, yet so similar in some many others. Who was one of the best sparring partners he had ever had and could keep up with him when talking about jutsu creation. Who he had to learn to trust and was better for it. Who could have been something so much more to him if they had just had the time. Who they lost to the madness that haunted the Uchiha clan like a shadow]
Madara who betrayed the village [betrayed him] in the end anyway)
History says that he isolated the Uchiha, that he purposely put them in a far corner of the village away from everyone else.
(The Uchiha isolated themselves. Just like every clan in the village did – aside from the Nara, Akimichi and Yamanaka. Generations of war arenât forgotten over the course of weeks, even inside the village, the trust between the clans was tentative. Clan compounds were safe havens for the clan shinobi – a place of familiarity and safety during those early years when the village was being built.
History forgets that the clans chose their own lands inside of the walls.)
The Uchiha say that he had planned to kill them.
(A truth. If only barely half of one.
As the Hokage and the counterbalance to his brotherâs idealism, Tobirama had plans for the extermination of all of the clans, major and minor, in Konoha. Hidden away and written in code – the clans themselves had provided the plans for the compounds – they were for his eyes only.
Konoha was his home. It was his family and it was his to protect. As much as he would have liked to think the best of his people, he was both a genius and a pragmatist. The plans were never intended to be used. But if a clan intended to betray Konoha then he would take action.
Even if it pained him to do so)
History portrays Senju Tobirama as a cold man. A genius, yes, but one who kept to himself. A man who had never trusted the Uchiha and worked to isolate them from the village for its protection. To the Uchiha, Tobirama was the equivalent of the monster under the bed. To the village, he was their Nidaime Hokage.
(Senju Tobirama was genius. His skill with suiton manipulation was unparalleled. He was skilled with a blade and one of the fastest men alive. He was one of the greatest shinobi of Konoha. He was a Senju. He was a Hokage.
He was a teacher. He created the shinobi academy so that children had a proper education and were older when they went out onto the battlefield. He created the ANBU to try to rehabilitate suicidal shinobi. He had a soft spot for children. He loved his clan and his village. He was a scientist. A man who, in another life, would have been perfectly happy to live his life in a lab. He created hundreds of jutsu – some legendary, some simple, some forbidden. He developed a space-time fuinjutsu while barely into his twenties.
He was a boy who lost both of his brothers to a war that was fought even though nobody could remember how it was started. He was a boy who grew up far too soon, who would do absolutely anything in order to protect his loved ones. He was very much a man of his time and his upbringing. He died to protect his students and his village.
The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. Thatâs literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, âSorry, Buckbeak flew away.âÂ
âThereâs a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.â
âA different hipprogriff.â
âIâm⌠pretty sure thatâs the same hipprogriff.â
âProve it.âÂ
no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies
Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book
Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.
Remus: Erm⌠this is our new order member, my⌠cousin Gerald. Gerald White.
âMr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!â âOh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesnât wear glasses. That wouldnât make sense.â âWell have Mr. White take off his glasses then!â âHe canât he needs them to see.â
it got better
Itâs honestly a miracle to me that wizarding society doesnât collapse every other week because like
Youâve got this world full of people who can destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them
And there is literally no common sense
Anywhere to be found
Voldemort would never have had anyone find out he was back if he just went around calling himself SteveÂ
Okay, see, I thought I saved this post to comment on it but Iâd like to bring up
The Minister would NEVER EVER disbelieve in Gerald White. Heâd buy it hook line and sinker. The wizarding world would buy it hook line and sinker. The GOBLINS wouldnât but wizards have been shown to be pretty blindingly clueless. Still, Gringotts would grudgingly give Sirius access to the Black fortune.
But, but, but, you know the one person
the one person
who Gerald White would drive AB-SO-LUTELY FUCKING BATSHIT?
Severus Snape.
Snape would do everything, EVERYTHING, to get people to believe that itâs Sirius. But the Order would ignore it (they accepted Sirius as Sirius before anyway) and Remus would just be so⌠so affronted.
âSeverus, he is my cousin.â
And Sirius would love it. Heâd love the fact that Snape just hated it. Heâd be the BEST DAMN GERALD WHITE EVER b/c Snape is doing everything from dropping veritaserum into his firewhisky to capturing a dementor in a box and releasing it on Sirius when he least expects it
That one causes problems for a bare minute because SHIT A DEMENTOR ATTEMPTED TO GIVE GERALD THE KISS MAYBE SNAPE IS RIGHT except Harry comes forward and is like âexcuse me, Iâve never committed a crime and dementors are ALWAYS attacking me, I think theyâre attracted to glassesâ
and the magical community is like âshit, yeah, youâre rightâ
and just
Spare. Snape goes spare.
Now Iâm imagining Fred and George sneaking extra Weasleys into Snapeâs class manifests every year.
Annnd I wrote the thing. Sort of. It kinda got out of hand.
–
The first year theyâre just Fred and George, except when occasionally theyâre Gred and Forge, but itâs not too long before Snape just stops trying to tell them apart and just treats them as the joint entity âWeasley,â who happens to be in two places at once.
The next year they take turns attending first-year Potions class as Barry Weasley, the glasses-wearing Weasley cousin who missed the Sorting Ceremony because he tried to swallow three chocolate frogs at once on a bet from his twin cousins and got sick.
Snape has a choice between asking questions about Barry and punishing Fred and George for tormenting their cousin, and punishing Fred and George wins out. At this point, itâs not really that weirdâthe Weasleys do tend toward large familiesâand any excuse to give the twins detention is basically the sort of thing you could put under a box propped up with a stick on a rope and a âTOTALLY NOT A TRAPâ sign to catch Severus Snape.
So he figures Barry Weasley is real. He comments on the boyâs resemblance to Fred and George, and Barry nods and says âEveryone says that. I could fool everyone but them, except eventually people figure out thereâs only one of me.â
Snape doesnât have much cause for complaint. Barry is not a difficult student (the twins are, at this point, quite happy with the joke for its own sake and so donât risk the Barry persona on tormenting him), perhaps a bit prone to letting his mind wander (it helps that George is actually interested in Potions, and uses the second run as an opportunity to experiment), but there have been no outright disasters centered around his cauldron, which is a lot more than can be said for the twins.
The next year is Fred and Georgeâs third year, Barryâs second year, and Ronâs first year. They donât take Ron entirely into their confidence ⌠but they do let on that theyâve invented a fictional âCousin Barryâ to mess with Snape a bit, in case Snape asks, but Snape doesnât ask.
He does mention Barry Weasley to Barryâs supposed Head of House, but by pure luck he manages to do so when Minerva is sufficiently preoccupied by that late night with four first-years sneaking out after curfew, and she hears âHarry and Weasley,â and nods, and asks him something about a Gryffindor fifth-year sheâs concerned about, and, well, that basically settles it.
Fred and George run into a minor difficulty in that they donât have a free period coinciding with âBarryâsâ potions class, but they get lucky enough to have History of Magic during that class, and Binns wouldnât notice if Fred or George set the classroom on fire, much less if Fred or George is always absent.
Fred and George are at this point quite satisfied with getting âBarryâ through seven years of Hogwarts without Snape realizing heâs fictional, but then at the beginning of their fourth year Snape is absent from the Sorting and the Welcome Feast and ⌠well. Opportunity beckons.
Since Fred and George are pragmatic about which elective classes they take (theyâre much more interested in independent study directed toward magical jokes and pranks), they have several free periods and it only takes a significant look between them to agree that, yes, they can absolutely handle being one more person just for Potions class.
Theyâre a bit more advanced at their magic now, and a bit of diluted Shrinking Potion and a Freckle Charm create Barnaby, Barryâs younger brother. Thereâs a minor concern with Ginny being in the same class, and more importantly, Operation Barnaby is still in the planning stages when McGonagall hands out the schedules and they realize they have Transfiguration during the requisite class period and McGonagall will definitely notice if a twin is missing.
Thus is is that Barnaby Weasley, Hufflepuff, is born.
Snape doesnât give away anything more than a mild frown at another Weasley showing up on the class roster, but he does raise an eyebrow and inquire, âHufflepuff?â after reading his name.
Barnaby (Fred, at the moment) turns red with the help of a Blushing Charm and looks hurt and defensive, which makes the Hufflepuffs, upset at the perceived insult to their House, accept him without question. Nobody ever asks either twin why he only shows up in Potions class; they get that itâs some long-con joke focused on Snape and they donât interfere.
Barnaby is not quite as hopeless at Potions as Neville, but he is prone to the same wandering attention span as his brother, only more so. His potions regularly fail and occasionally explode, usually in a way that to Snape indicates carelessness with the ingredients and tells Fred or George something useful about the what happens when you do that.
The next year there are no new Weasley children, officially, but when Fred plops himself down next to George on the train and says âSo what about a girl?â George knows exactly what heâs talking about.
They mix a hair-growing potion on the train, and have to hide it quickly when Draco Malfoy comes running into their compartment, frightened of the dementors.
George takes the hair potion and the shrinking potion and the pair of them use the Maraudersâ Map to intercept Snape on his way to the Great Hall. Fred hides behind a pillar and casts a Duplicating Illusion Charm on himself and tries hard not to burst out laughing as George plays Nasturtium Weasley, little sister to Barry and Barnaby, whoâs somehow managed to get lost on the way to the Great Hall.
Snapeâs not the slightest bit pleased to be getting yet another absent-minded Weasley cousin, snarls, snaps something vaguely cutting, and leads her towards the Great Hall, intending to hand her over directly to Professor McGonagall; instead he runs into Fred and George (actually Fred and his charm double); Fred explained that they saw their cousin wandering off and went to go get her. Snape lectures the pair of them on wandering, accuses them of being up to no good, and stalks off to direct evil looks at Professor Lupin.
Which, luckily, takes up so much of his attention that he doesnât pay attention to the Sorting. Fred and George decide the next morning, after careful consultation of multiple studentsâ class schedules, to put her in Hufflepuff along with Barnaby.
They strike it lucky again, in that first-year Potions only conflicts with Care of Magical Creatures, to which only one twin is going (they donât see much point in both of them taking the same class, figuring that one of them knowing something is as good as both of them knowing it and they can teach each other more effectively than anyone else can teach them, an argument that failed to impress Professor McGonagall into letting them each out of half their classes back in first year); Hagrid wonât be expecting to see two of them.
Nasturtium Weasley, it develops, has quite a lot of bright red hair and a tendency to hyperfocus on ingredients or processes, leading to a lot of ruined potions when she keeps stirring too long or spends the whole class period shredding the shrivelfigs or gets lost examining the lobes of a dirigible plum leaf. Fred and George, taking turns being Nasturtium, are happy to spend the time just thinking through some interesting research theyâve been doing or contemplating a problem with their latest invention or just brainstorming new joke ideas until Snape appears, bellowing about melted cauldrons and the people who donât even notice them because theyâre too fascinated by the down on a downy mage-thistle.
But theyâre being run just a bit ragged at it and decide that three is enoughâuntil they wander past the Hospital Wing at just the right time to hear Snape bellowing apoplectically about Harry Potter, and Dumbledoreâs more reasoned tones making light of the idea that Harry and his friends were in two places at once.
Fred and George look at each other and a light goes on.
Theyâve heard about time-turners. Theyâve also seen Hermione Granger run herself ragged studying textbooks for every subject available. They know how many subjects there are, and how many class periods in a week.
As one, they reach out and lightly smack each other on the head for not putting it together earlier.
Snape comes raging out the door just in time to see them and gives them detention. Fred and George scowl after him and turn and look at each other. And nod.
Itâs on.
Fred âaccidentallyâ bumps into Hermione when sheâs on her way to McGonagallâs office, pretends to lose his balance, and falls hard to the floor. It gives him bruises, but sometimes sacrifices must be made for the successful theft of major, highly-regulated, top-secret magical artifacts. Hermione turns to help him, and George switches the time-turner with an elaborately crafted fake, a Confundus Charm and a Diversion Charm giving it the correct density of magical energy signature and ensuring that anyone who tries to use it will find an urgent reason to put it off. (George is super pleased with that one; itâs a time-turner, so quite naturally anyone who can use it has plenty of time to use it later.)
Next year is their sixth year, which brings enough of a drop in courses (there are definite benefits to getting only two OWLS each, though they doubt their mother would agree) that they only need to use the time-turner once, when Barry has Potions when Fred has Transfiguration and George has Herbology. Theyâre almost disappointed by this, until Fred gets a devastatingly diabolical grin on his face and says, âwhat if there were two of them?â
Georgeâs face mirrors the grin in an instant, and he responds with his own suggestion. âCousins.â A pause. âAnd they hate each other.â
And so come into being Gentian Weasley, younger sister of Barry, Barnaby, and Nasturtium Weasley, and her cousin from yet another branch of the Weasley family, Bilious Weasley the Second.
This time they give themselves some insurance, and make very good use of the time-turner, by charming Snape into seeing the new arrivals be Sorted. For a diversion they let Peeves the Poltergeist into the kitchens and assist him in creating havoc (testing out a potential product, tentatively named the Souper Swimming Pool, in the process); the amount of commotion takes three Professors to sort out, one of them Snape, and itâs surprisingly easy to hit the distracted Potions Master with the prototype of a Daydream Charm, highly modified to suit the occasion.
Once theyâve finished the time loop, they blast themselves with Aguamenti charms to make it look like theyâve just come out of the rain and sit down. Snape sees Weasley, Bilious and Weasley, Gentian be sorted into Gryffindor one right after another and summons himself a bottle of firewhiskey.
This is a mistake, as he has the keen and ignoble joy of being hungover for the worst Potions class heâs ever taught, including that one time when somebody (Potter) threw a firework into the Swelling Solution.
Gentian snickers when Snape reads Biliousâ name. Bilious calls Gentian âfreckles.â Slytherin students from accross the room (the both of them are Gryffindors this time) look on in obvious amusement. Snape looks constipated. Their own supposed housemates eye them, looking confused, concerned, and generally bamboozled but none of them vocalize their curiosity.
Fred and George share a secret, gleeful smile, and escalate.
They spill things on each other: water, pigeon milk, stinksap. Gentian breaks a salamander egg on Biliousâ forehead; Bilious stabs Gentian with a knarl quill. They drop the wrong ingredients surreptitiously into each otherâs potions. Biliousâ cauldron spews copious amounts of green smoke, gaining a lecture and losing five points for Gryffindor; his retaliation recreates Neville Longbottomâs disaster a few years prior and melts Gentianâs cauldron. Gentian shrieks at Bilious, Bilious dumps the whole jar of puffer-fish eggs over Gentianâs head, and Gentian launches herself at him, punching and clawing and screaming her head off.
Snape separates them with a wave of his wand and threatens them with a monthâs worth of detention collecting bubotuber pus. Gentian says, âYou canât do that, Iâll tell McGonagall on you,â which neatly puts Snape off telling Professor McGonagall himself, because honestly, she probably will take issue with it. Bilious smirks loftily and sneers, âBaby. I like bubotuber pus. It smells like petrol.â
âHow,â Snape asks suspiciously, âwould a wizardborn young man like yourself know about petrol?â and Gentian (secretly Fred) hides a wince; their fatherâs particular fascination with Muggle things might be their undoing. But George recovers, saying proudly, âMy dadâs an accountant.â
The Slytherins laugh. Fred catches the reference and Gentian says, âOh, right, your dadâs the family Squib.â
Bilious grabs his cauldron and makes to empty it over her head, only to find that the contents are basically a solid baked into the cauldronâs bottom. Snape casts it away and tells them theyâre more of a disaster than Neville Longbottom and deducts fifty points from Gryffindor, and they spend the walk out of the dungeons trying to convince their housemates that the points donât actually matter that much.
Snape goes straight to McGonagall to complain, but refers to them as âThose two damned Weasleys,â and McGonagall nods and makes sympathetic faces and promises to speak to them. Fred and George get a detention with McGonagall at the same time as Gentian and Bilious have one with Snape, which makes them as happy as a time-turner can make two mischief-minded teenagers in possession thereof.
That year is a delight. They have a Triwizard Tournament to watch, a small multitude of visiting students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, many of them attractive, to interact with, and five alter egos with which to torment Professor Snape. Moreover, with the time-turner and the extra Potions classes, theyâve made significant progress on their product line and are turning a brisk business with the student body.
Snape learns quickly and the first time is also the last time he schedules Gentian and Bilious for a detention together. Fred and George take it in turns to run certain of their inventions past Flitwick and Sprout to gain back some of the points they lose in the first-year Potions class. By the time summer rolls around, Fred calculates that theyâve used the time-turner enough to have come of age and potentially erased the Trace on them.
They pay Mundungus Fletcher a galleon to come somewhere out-of-the-way with them and lend them his wand to cast a few spells. When no owls show up carrying Ministry warning letters, they head to Diagon Alley and celebrate by buying a storefront and the flat above it, and spend most of the summer there, fixing it up and getting things ready for a product launch next year. NEWTS, schmoots.
Thereâs of course that annoying business about Voldemort returning, and their mother decides the best way to keep them out of the Orderâs business is to turn them into house-elves, but they come up with a few charms to do housework slowly by magic, and adjust the illusion spells, and put in just as much of an appearance as necessary.
Then September rolls around again, and their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is even worse than Snape and Lockheart combined, and just like that, Barry, Barnaby, Nasturtium, Gentian, and Bilious all add themselves to Defense Against the Dark Arts classes.
This largely sucks, because the DADA classes are utterly useless this year, but Fred gets the idea of substituting their alter egos and eventually themselves with illusion charms (âShe doesnât actually teach, sheâll never noticeâ), which makes George laugh hysterically because theyâve progressed from attending classes multiple times as different people to using doppelgangers to avoid going to class at all, and the two tactics are completely at odds with each other. But they do it.
Umbridge doesnât notice, and pretty soon the only class they show up for is the one where second-years Bilious and Gentian are forever hurling hateful looks, creative insults, badly-aimed spells, and improvised projectiles at each other.
Umbridge starts taking points from Gryffindor off at the first âblast-ended walnutâ from Gentian and assigns the first detention at Biliousâ elaborately-detailed Muggle catapult. Fred and George add a line of Magical Model Muggle Major Munitions to the product array at the soon-to-be-hatched Weasleysâ Wizarding Wheezes, and make copious notes on how to use them as actual weaponry once Voldemort makes his appearance.
Fred writes âI must not fight in classâ with Umbridgeâs quill for six hours and then steals it. George listens to Fredâs description of the evening, takes one look at Fredâs hand, and breaks into Umbridgeâs office and takes a generous crap on her desk. âCrude,â says Fred admiringly, âbut deserved.â
The next time Barnaby has DADA, Fred goes as him in person and tests out a Skiving Snackbox. Throwing up on Umbridge is satisfying. He gets detention and writes âI will be more careful with how I am sickâ some nine hundred times with a completely normal quill, charmed to write in red ink like a Muggle fountain pen, and mimes innocence when Umbridge expresses confusion at the lack of redness and swelling on his hand.
Gentian and Bilious get into a full-on wizardsâ duel in their next DADA class, and aim so terribly that Umbridge gets hit more than they do. They both get detention, and Fred and George send illusions in their stead.
Next week they do it again, and Umbridge spends half the afternoon in the hospital wing, getting tentacles removed. Colin Creevey, confined to bed rest for a case of Exploding Hiccups, sneaks a picture and later trades it to the Weasley Twins for a Pygmy Puff, two Daydream Charms, and a promise to look into developing Extendable Eyes.
Umbridge goes to complain to McGonagall, who listens to the entire rant about a pair of students sheâs never heard of with a reasonably straight face. Then she blandly tells Umbridge sheâll look into it, and turns back to her essay-marking.
McGonagall wanders down to the staff room the next morning and relates the whole conversation to the other teachers. Flitwick and Sprout are practically rolling on the floor by the time she finishes, but Snape is standing there looking Stupified; he makes the biggest miscalculation heâs made in years, and asks, âYou mean theyâre not real?â
McGonagall looks at him, calculates what all it would take for him to be asking that question, and promptly laughs herself sick.
Snape waits, looking like he might catch fire, until she recovers. âYes, Severus. I have never heard of a Gentian Weasley, and the only Bilious Weasley I know is my age.â
Snape says, âThereâs two Bilious Weasâwho names these people?!â
âThereâs one, Severus. I can assure you that there is no such person attending this school at this time.â
He grimaces, then tries, âI donât suppose Ginny, Ronald, and their siblings are fictional?â
âNo such luck, Severus.â
He closes his eyes. Opens them. âFred and George.â
âMost assuredly real, Severus.â
âNo, I meantâthey did this. Theyâre responsible for this, arenât they?â
âI would imagine so,â McGonagall says, a hint of a smile hovering about her lips.
He eyes her. âShut up, Minerva.â
She claps a hand to her mouth to hide a giggle, and he turns and sweeps from the room.
As it turns out, he has Gentian and Bilious the next period.
Fred and George, blissfully unaware, are launching into their standard pretend fightâin this case, swordfighting with Transylvanian Lesser Pseudoporcupine quillsâwhen Snape arrives at their table and claps a hand on their near shoulders. Heâs smiling like a dragon.
âFred. George.â
Shit.
They have a moment of sharp dismay, but it doesnât last. They are the Weasley Twins, theyâve been fooling Snape for years with this prank, and they have money hidden in multiple places and the deed to a shop in Diagon Alley and all the official education theyâll ever need.
They turn and grin back.
âWell done, Professor,â says George. âHowâd you find out?â
âProfessor McGonagall told me.â His smile was a thin, sharp blade.
âNo way.â
âReally?â
âHowâd she know?â
âShe wouldnât.â
âIâm afraid I did, Mr. Weasley,â says McGonagall from the doorway. âAlthough admittedly without knowing you were pranking Professor Snape as well as Professor Umbridge; I thought I was merely sharing a very amusing anecdote with the other teachers.â
Theyâre drawing curious looks, though fortunately Fred-as-Gentianâs cauldron is hissing like a teakettle and drowning out the conversation; Snape snaps at them to pay attention to their cauldrons before jerking his head at his office door.
Once theyâre ensconced within what Fred once called the Snape Museum of Slimy Things, and Fred and George have undone the spells and potions that make them Bilious and Gentian, McGonagall turns to Snape and says, âI forbid you to expel them, Severus.â
Heâs about to respond when Fred says, âGo ahead, expel us.â
That gets them two very surprised professors. George shrugs. âEverythingâs ready to go. Weâve got a shop in Diagon Alley and enough stock to fill it and enough expertise for a lifetime of success.â
Snape frowns and asks, âDo I want to know what youâre planning to sell?â
George says, âNoâ at the same times as Fred says, âItâs a joke shop.â
McGonagall looks like sheâs trying not to laugh. Snape looks like heâs swallowed a sea cucumber. He opens his mouth, closes it, and then says, âI would have never imagined an argument that could convince me not to try to expel you, but youâve just provided it. I will not be assisting you in selling pranks to the student body of Hogwarts on a retail level.â
George says, âActually, weâve been doing it since the middle of last year.â
Snape turns to McGonagall. âI quit.â
âNo.â
âHey, let Umbridge expel us,â Fred suggests. George snickers.
Snape looks at them, and then at McGonagall, and then back to the twins.
âNo, youâre going to stay here,â Snape says, a look in his eyes that makes them wonder what all Umbridge has said to him. âYouâre going to continue to be Gentian and Biliousâand Nasturtium and Barnaby and Barry.â He looks to McGonagall as if for confirmation, and George considers that both professors were young once, and were quite possibly as complete and utter hellions as him and Fred.
Snape smiles like a knife. âGive her hell.â
Heâs never felt so much respect for a teacher before.
âMr. Weasley?â Snape adds, almost as an afterthought, his eyes shifting from one to the other as if unsure which of them heâs addressing.
âYessir?â
âFifty points from Gryffindor.â
Fred and George smile at each other as they follow McGonagall into the hall.
Worth it.
They follow orders. Bilious and Gentian hit Umbridge with so many âaccidentalâ hexes that she finally bans them from her classroom. Barnaby functions as a sort of a Patient Zero for Umbridge-itis. Barry uses his status as the quiet one to construct elaborate spells that have Umbridgeâs classroom warping itself into odd shapes or growing spines out the walls or puffing up like a balloon and trapping her at the bottom. Nasturtium stands up in class one day and slams an epic poem about how teachers who donât teach are useless and a sea sponge would do a better job of earning the salary.
Between them, they work to set up elaborate pranks and position Umbridge to catch the worst of it. After Dumbledoreâs removal, Fred and George set off the best fireworks display Hogwarts has ever seen, and McGonagall gives Gryffindor one hundred points; Gentian and Bilius, usually the only ones still played in person by the Weasley twins, play Umbridge beautifully the next morning, fighting each other as usual and then turning ally, working together to attack her with flurries of squawking birds and flying, shitting replica nifflers.
When Umbridge twigs that theyâre all working together she stands up in the middle of the Great Hall at dinner and demands that every Weasley in the place stand up.
Four Weasleys, all siblings, do so.
âWhere are the rest of you?â she hisses to Ron, who looks clueless. Ginny cocks an eyebrow and looks to Fred and George speculatively. Umbridge turns to them and they smile like sharks.
Fred climbs up onto the table, George right on his heels. âLadies and gentlemen, a performance by myself and my twin!â
George produces a potion, downs it, and becomes Gentian.
Fred narrates as George shifts between the various fictional cousins, ending by restoring his own appearance, putting on a pair of glasses, and becoming Barry. Snape slaps his face down into his hands. George finishes by announcing that these new appearance potions, and the fireworks, and a multitude of other products, would be available at 93 Diagon Alley, home to Weasleysâ Wizard Wheezes.
âNot so fast,â says Umbridge, holding out her wand. âThe pair of you are going to be expelledâbut first you are going to find out what happens to troublemakers in my school.â
âWeâre not,â says George, âBut let me tell you something: this is not, and will never be, your school.â He looks around at the students, at the teachers, at Snape and McGonagall standing a short distance away, and he and Fred wave their arms in a mirrored gesture to take in the whole student body, and they say, the pair of them together, âThis is our school.â
The cheer from around them shakes the rafters.
Then they raise their wands and say, again in unison, âAccio brooms!â
The brooms make holes in the walls on their way in, and Fred and George mount them and soar up among the floating candles, and Fred has to cast a Sonorus Charm to make himself heard over the cheering.
âWeasleyâs Wizarding Wheezes, number 93, Diagon Alley: Our new premises!â
And George waves to Peeves, whoâs floating up there along with them, attracted by the promise of mayhem. âGive her hell from us.â
Peeves salutes, and Fred and George fly out the front door to freedom.
When they return to Hogwarts almost two years later, their time spent as the fake Weasleys serves all of Hogwarts well: the muggle munitions devices, some elaborate magical shielding, judiciously-applied daydream charms turned hallucinogenic means of luring the Death Eaters to shooting at false targets, and projectiles that created all manner of interesting effects, save the day for many people in the Battle of Hogwarts.
Fred never knows he came close to dying. George never knows he came close to losing his twin. They go back to Diagon Alley, afterwards, and as the world puts itself back together, they help people laugh.
ALRIGHT BOYS GIRLS AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS THE GENDER BINARY IS FOR SQUARES ITâS STORY TIME.
Today, weâre going to talk about the time Paulâs desire for superior firepower turned into a mini arms race that ended with me setting Eric on fire with a homemade flamethrower.
No, Matt Boomer, you sexy motherfucker, I am not kidding you. Letâs begin with some details.
So when I was at the University of Iowa, several people, including myself, bought Nerf guns for impromptu battles in the hallways when we had free time. Mostly this was all good, clean fun, except for two of the guys down the hall, my roommate, and I.
We all thought, rightfully so, that factory built Nerf guns are bullshit. Theyâre weak, darts are too fucking light, the barrels cause too much friction, which makes them inaccurate and slow, and you have to re-cock them after each shot. Thatâs some fucking bullshit right there. So we fixed it.
We bought new, higher tensile springs. We bought PCP pipe and lubricant. We put BBs in the tips of our darts, and my roommate and even put in a second spring to automatically cock the gun, essentially turning them from bolt action pieces of shit into semi-automatic friendship-ruiners.
So when I moved back to Chicago, and into the apartment, I obviously brought my Nerf guns (my roommate gave me his when we moved out), and I obviously attacked my roommates the first opportunity I had. OBVIOUSLY this led to everyone buying Nerf guns and modifying the shit out of them.
However, some of us were terrible shots, so certain measures had to be taken to make it possible for them to keep up. Brad practiced in his room every day, Josh built an extended clip for his gun, and Kyle bought the fucking Vulcan and built a 600 dart belt for it because he decided aiming is for people who canât fire 6 darts a second (he modded it for doubled firing speed using a small car battery and replaced mechanics).
And then there was Paul.
Paul was fucking terrible. Like almost so bad it couldnât be for real. He once tried to ambush me coming around a corner from 2 feet away and missed by a good 6-7 inches. He literally could have slapped me and he missed. Whatever moving on.
So Paul decides to solve his aim problems in the most Paul way possible: online shopping. He bought 500 foam pellets for a marshmallow gun, two dozen foam discs, and a motherfucking t-shirt cannon.
You see, Paul, much like Kyle, decided aiming was for lames. So he would pour foam pellets into the cannon until it was half full, slip in a disc to keep them from falling out, then shotgun people in the face. I was his first victim and boy let me tell you that shit is terrifying.
So Paul became the big dog in the house during Nerf battles, and the rest of us found ourselves unable to compete. So we all escalated in our own insane ways. Eric and I, the former champions, modified our guns to fire faster, Brad added an extended magazine to his gun, Kyle built a harness so that he could shoot his fucking stupid fucking bullet-storm piece of shit while moving. Josh booby-trapped various parts of our apartment. Suddenly, we were all better than Paul again, so he decided to step his game up.
He started making paper cartridges that would explode open once fired. Suddenly, he could actually fire multiple times a minute, which meant once again, he was at the top. It didnât help that our reluctance to shoot back out of fear of getting shot was allowing him to take his time, therefore drastically improving his aim.
So we stepped up again. I smooth out the cocking mechanism on my guns, improving my firing speed even faster. Eric adds more weight to his darts, making them heavier and faster and much more painful. Kyle buys a bigger battery, newer parts, and he perfects his belts, which increases his firing speed to 12 darts a second.
So Paul steps up to take advantage of his improved aim and buys something called a Pucker Chucker which basically is a t-shirt cannon except it shoots foam pucks. This means we canât just shoot at him from the other side of the apartment anymore, so we all step up again. I modify the rail on top to make aiming easier, Eric modifies his grip to make it more comfortable, Kyle and brad modify their barrels to make them more accurate, and Josh jumps on board the crazy train and builds a goddamn under barrel cherry bomb launcher.
And this is where shit starts to spiral out of control.
Brad starts making smoke grenades, Kyle solves his weakness against close quarters combat by using his battery to create a cattle prod to keep people back. Eric breaks the head off an old golf club to use the shaft as a weapon, I put pins in the tips of all of my darts, and Paul realizes that the Pucker Chucker can also shoot real hockey pucks after he steals my bucket of pucks from my room.
So it escalated a couple more steps but Iâm going to leave them out partially out of a desire to keep moving forward and partially out of shame anywhoozle when we pull out our final contraptions and modifications that day we shifted from light-hearted fun that was a bit too far to literally combat. Josh had a sword. I donât know where he got it from.
That battle was terrifying. Our normal fights were like an hour, two hours tops, then we would clean up, get together in the living room with some beers, and laugh about what happened. Honestly we should have known this was going to happen because when we did this after our previous fight, the laughter was less âhaha remember when I shot Josh in the butthole? Classic.â and more âhaha remember when I missed your face with that puck? Next time I wonât miss.â
So we somehow get into a battle again and this time things go south quickly which is bound to happen when you have a dude in a speedo swinging a sword around while rolling fireworks down the hall. It was literally chaos. There were fireworks and homemade smoke grenades and Kyle made the electrical current in his cattle prod too strong and it was too close to the muzzle of his Vulcan so every few seconds you would just see a flaming dart wiz past and I built a fucking flamethrower and I donât know what the fuck is going on so Iâm just firing it in the general direction of Josh to keep him the fuck away. At some point Brad barricades himself in his room, and so we all run back to our rooms and hide.
We do this for three days. THREE DAYS. I missed classes. We all had junk food in our rooms, and private bathrooms, so thatâs what we sustained ourselves on for three fucking days. I, however, try to eat healthy, so I ran out of food almost immediately. After not eating for a day and a half, with food literally less than 50 feet from where I was hiding, I decided that I was willing to risk a trip to the kitchen.
So hereâs something important about our apartment: I was the only one who knew how to cook. I had tried to teach the others, but all that had accomplished was several kitchen fires. This meant when Eric also ran out of food, he knew the only way to get a meal was to make peace with me. So he had snuck down the hall to my door, intent on asking me for help.
I did not know he was there.
So when I opened the door and saw a crouching figure in the shadows nearby, I assumed, I think justifiably, that it was the guy who had been swinging a sword at all of us the last time I saw him. So I pulled the trigger on my homemade flamethrower, only to see Ericâs horrified face illuminated by the flames for a split second before they hit his torso.
Luckily, I was using a scavenged fuel source (computer screen cleaner), so the flames were weak, but still fire is fire and fire fucking hurts. So Eric is rolling on the floor with first degree burns on his stomach and chest, and Iâm freaking out because Eric is my friend and I just set him on fire, so there is now a lot of screaming coming from the hall.
Now, to lighten the mood slightly, hereâs a personality test. You hear the sounds of fire, followed shortly by screaming coming from the hall outside your room. What do you do?
Do you assume the crazy sword guy has finally snapped and is going to kill you all, so you climb out the window onto the fire escape? Congratulations, youâre Brad.
Do you hear the cries of pain and grab a first aid kit before sprinting into the hall to help? Hey! Youâre Kyle!
Do you hear the flames so you sprint into the kitchen to grab the fire extinguisher? You are Paul.
Do you come out into the hall to see whatâs going on but also bring your sword just in case you have to stab someone? You are Josh and also mentally unstable please put your sword away.
So Kyle comes out and he and I start administering first aid and luckily through a combination of the weakness of my fuel source, how quickly I stopped the flames, and the quickness of our treatments, Eric only gets some first degree burns on his torso. Paul puts out the last of the flames, Josh decides he doesnât want to stab anyone today, and Brad decides that the lack of screaming is a good thing and he comes inside. I spend the next hour apologizing profusely while cooking everyone dinner, and we decide that hey we should probably have some rules for our Nerf fights to prevent this from ever happening again.
So we all eat, we establish rules about modifications and ammunition, and at the end of it all, we grab some beers, head into the living room, and tell Josh he needs to get rid of the sword seriously dude where did you get that from?
Look I would pay real currency to watch a series of Anakin and Obi-Wanâs couples counseling. The angst and the passive-aggressiveness and the âIâm fine itâs fine everythingâs fineâ âNO ITâS NOT OBI-WAN NOTHING IS FINEâ. Or individual Jedi counseling.
Better: I want to watch the documentary/mockumentary made by a GFFA psychologist who embeds themselves with the Jedi Order to better understand how they can all be so chill and collected â Whatâs their secret? How can we all learn, from their example, to embrace serenity in our own lives? â who eventually, as the documentary wears on, comes to realize that THE JEDI ORDER IS COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECKS.
I am living for this now.  As @
devilangel657 said, the idea of a psychologist embedding themselves in the Jedi Order and having to listen to the stories of the stupidity the Jedi have to deal with every goddamned day in their roles as peacekeepers and later freeing worlds, would be amazing.
Theyâre so serene and calm and put together when you first meet them!  Then, like, a month later, âYOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE SHIT I HAD TO DEAL WITH ON BRENTAL.  LETâS JUST SAY IF I HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER FUCKING PIRATE I AM GOING TO SHOVE A LIGHTSABER UP THEIR ASS BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY A GODDAMNED WORD.â blares through the Force, even when all the Jedi says is, âIt was a difficult mission, but I believe it has been resolved to the best of my abilities.â
Obi-Wan and Anakinâs coupleâs therapy is a disaster.  Sure, Anakin wants to talk about things!  Until the psychologist turns to him and tries to make him talk about whatâs eating him and then NOTHING IS WRONG, EVERYTHINGâS FINE, he says angrily, crossing his arms and glaring.
Obi-Wan looks at the psychologist, not a single hint of self-awareness on his face, like, See what I have to deal with?
YES. Little by little, all these things come out and eventually it becomes clear that A) the Jedi have to put up with a TON of the universeâs bullshit, B) there are a LOT of secret affairs going on, both within and outside of the Order, and C) there is a WHOLE LOT of trauma being actively repressed.Â
I feel like Mace Windu would be amazing in this documentary series. The interviewer would be like âIt sounds like you have a very difficult role, being responsible for so much in the Order. Would you agree?â and he just keeps staring into space like this:Â
âŚbefore finally taking a deep breath and being like, âIt is a noble calling, and one I am honored to take on.âÂ
Yoda cancels on his interview like 45 times, or pretends to be napping or dead when the guy shows up, because He Really Doesnât Wanna Talk About This Stuff Everyone Knows The Order Is Just Fine Look How Well-Adjusted We All Are.Â
Quinlan Vos does his interview from a bar, during which he becomes increasingly inebriated. His interview turns into him just bragging about various conquests or awesome parties heâs been to on undercover missions. Viewers love him.
Obi-Wan explains to the horrified interviewer that he really totally wasnât traumatized by being sent away to be a space farmer when he was 12, or the fact that he once got a rock for his birthday, or that his Space Dad was murdered in front of him. And that things between him and Anakin are FINE.Â
The two of them donât realize theyâre still micâd up when they try to âdiscussâ things in the hallway in between filming after a particularly pointed on-screen argument. The resulting audio includes lecturing (Obi-Wan), dramatic yelling (Anakin), retreading of very old arguments (both), and eventually some mild dirty talk, which they vehemently deny later even though they both have mussed up hair when they return.Â
Ahsokaâs interview is hilarious, since it is mostly just her telling stories about Anakin or Obi-Wan embarrassing themselves. She manages to come off as one of the most competent people in the entire show despite the fact that sheâs like 15. She instantly becomes a favorite of viewer commentators on the Holonet.Â
Some of the Clones get interviewed about what itâs like to work with the Jedi. This turns into all of them sharing âmost insane thing my Jedi has doneâ stories, and it results in 157 hours of footage. They end up with their own series.Â
Chancellor Palpatine also does an extended interview as one of the Jediâs closest colleagues, in which he repeatedly has to take a break from filming because he keeps breaking out into inappropriate giggles as he discusses how insightful the Order is, and what great partners theyâve been for his administration in helping it to achieve its goals.Â
I am crying at that screencap of Mace, thatâs exactly the face heâd make.
âThe Jedi arenât perfect, we have our difficulties, just as anyone else in the galaxy does,â they all say. Â âBut we deal with them internally to the best of our abilities. Â Weâve agreed to this documentary as a gesture of good will, we hope to reach out to our fellow Republic citizens and show that we are as human as any of you.â
What they donât say is FUCK OFF WE DEAL WITH OUR PROBLEMS OURSELVES, but you kind of get that impression anyway.  And the first half of the documentary is this build-up towards the idea that the Jedi are totally fucked up, theyâre all a bunch of lunatics who refuse to admit they actually have problems.
But then the second half of the documentary has, like, 300 hours of footage of the Jedi dealing with two warring clans on some Mid-Rim world, each willing to nuke themselves into orbit just to spite the other side, and the Jedi have to deal with literal tantrums from political leaders at least once a month and they have to see politicians living these ridiculous lives of luxury, they have space caviar flown in specially hand delivered while žths of their world are literally starving in poverty, and still have to smile and make nice with said politician because otherwise they wonât be able to get this trade agreement signed that will help the rest of the world, and all the while theyâre not allowed to scream obscenities or anything.  And you start to realize, oh, shit, Iâd have gone off the deep end, too, if I had to deal with that every day of my life.
The documentary works in a roundabout way, endearing people to themâit shows the Jedi being human, that one time they caught Luminara Unduli making the most amazing bitch face, just for a moment, before she managed to smooth it back over. Â They caught Obi-Wan Kenobi actually swearing one time! Â They have at least an hourâs worth of outtakes of Anakin Skywalker flying around on his droid and crashing face-first into a wall or swanning off the top of the Temple and screaming when he misses the speeder Master Kenobi is driving to try to snag him the first time!
âIt was a bit of a close call,â Anakin Skywalker says with a grin, âBut I had it totally under control.â  (Smash cut to Anakin screaming and flailing as story after story of the Temple blurs by him as he falls while Obi-Wan zips the speeder around for a second try.)
Thereâs a collage of the Greatest Faces Ahsoka Tano Makes When Dealing With Republic Officials. Â Almost unanimously, the face she makes when Wilhuff Tarkin turns away from her are voted as #1.
Thereâs also entire sites dedicated to gossiping about the love lives of the Jedi.  The HoloNet EXPLODES when Obi-Wan and Anakin are caught on mic making suggestive comments after their fight, because everyone thought FOR SURE Skywalker was involved with Senator Amidala, have you SEEN the way he makes cow eyes at her?  There are threads and threads of HA AH VINDICATION!!! from Obikin shippers and NO WAY THIS IS JUST PART OF A THREESOME shippers.
(Everyone, please forgive me this enormous reblog. I think you all understand I have no choice.)Â
So, basically this is whatâs going to foil Palpatineâs plans, isnât it? He is kicking himself, because he actually urged the Jedi to do the documentary series in the first place, thinking that theyâd come off as totally dogmatic, dispassionate weirdos and the Republic would be turned off, making it easier for him to push his âThe Jedi Are Evilâ spiel later.Â
Instead, as the series wears on, everyone finds them oddly charming, and is overwhelmed by how hard they work and the good they do. Thereâs all kinds of forums set up for the inevitable Jedi Order Fandom as people nitpick every detail the show reveals. The gossip is out of control. Ahsoka canât go anywhere without an interviewer asking her about the state of her âdadsââ relationship. Padme is hounded by the tabloids every time someone thinks they saw her out with Anakin somewhere (and OMG IS THAT A BABY BUMP??! WHAT IS OBI-WAN GONNA THINK?! Wait, is OBI-WAN the father???!). Hondo Ohnaka, of course, uses this as a chance to make some money, and is constantly trying to sell outlandish stories about his âfriendsâ the Jedi to the tabloids.
 A couple of systems start petty disputes with each other just to get a Jedi and some clones to visit, and they start placing requests (âCan you guys send Luminara? We LOVE her, OMG. Also is Fives available?â) Even Yoda, who was hesitant to even participate, becomes somewhat beloved in his own right as the seriesâ grumpy, long-suffering grandpa, once viewers see how much insanity the poor guyâs been living with for hundreds of years.Â
I am very sorry to everyone that this is making your dash probably a lot to handle today, but you have to understand that this is what I joined Star Wars tumblr for.
Palpatine is so gleeful at first, look how awful the Jedi look, even though heâs pushing that, oh, they work so hard and theyâre so talented and amazing!  But then the memes start.  LET OBI-WAN KENOBI HAVE A NAP.  SOMEONE FEED THAT POOR CHILD AHSOKA TANO A REAL SANDWICH.  AND GET HER A JACKET SHE LOOKS COLD.  There are floating, spinning star crows attached to Anakin Skywalkerâs head in holo pictures and vids.  Thereâs a picture of Master Yoda making a face as he trips and it gets plastered all over the internet.  Mace Windu strikes a dramatic pose after a battle and itâs caught on holo, people splash motivational wolf-style quotes over the image. The most popular of which is, âWHAT DOESNâT KILL YOU.  IS GOING TO DIE.â while Master Windu stands there with a >:| face and his lightsaber at the ready.
There starts to be knockoff Jedi merchandise.  Toy lightsabers are a huge hit! So many people are much nicer to the Jedi now and are like, âAre you comfortable? Can I get you a blanket?  Youâve probably had a hard day, here have a slice of pie, on the house.â
REQUESTING SPECIFIC JEDI. Â Of course The Team gets the most requests (Anakin is initially pleased by this, but then there are people flirting with Obi-Wan. WHO IS FLIRTING BACK. Â And knows exactly what heâs doing and keeps glancing at Anakin to see the effect of it because heâs a jerk who likes to rile people up. Â NOT THAT ITâS WORKING, OBI-WAN.) but Shaak Ti and Luminara Unduli prove surprisingly popular, everyone just falls in love with them. Â The clones, finally having the perfect audience for this, are MORE THAN HAPPY to tell everyone about the Most Insane Thing Their Jedi Has Done. Â Rex and Cody are no longer allowed to participate, in order to give everyone else a fair shot.
There are fandom wars over whether the fact that Obi-wan flirts with EVERYONE makes the Obikinmidala three-way MORE or LESS likely. âHello thereâ becomes code for âI am flirting with you nowâ overnight. Clone naming conventions start to become popular with new parents and teens get their hair/ hair equivalent styled like their favorite clone commanders.
On the political side, the average Republic citizen starts getting savvier. Seeing their favorite Jedi deal with these Senate officials and obstinate planetary governors, day in and day out, energizes populations to organize more effectively. The Jedi are unsure how to feel about this at first, but its nice to have the added leverage when dealing with particularly reticent political figures.
Elan Sleazebaggano (of Death Stick fame) is Obiâs biggest fan. After he gets his life rethought, he becomes a community organizer in the fandom, trying to do for others what his favorite Jedi did for him
Okay so there are so many things to love here. Mace Winduâs FACE, Yoda memes, Luminara Unduliâs Jedi composure slipping, Anakin and Obi Wan being actual human messes, Poor Ahsoka, the only sane person in a literal mad house, the clones⌠Can you imagine how smug Rex and Cody are?
Obi Wan: goes to do something hilariously ExtraTM.
Cody: Arms crossed casually, face completely blank. âAhemâ
Obi Wan: Looks at himâŚÂ âIf I do this, youâre going to tell the entire Republic wonât you?â
Cody: Raises eyebrow. âWhat do you think?â
Obi Wan:Â âAh, well,â looks almost sheepish. âWhat do you suggest, Commander?â
Cody: Deadpan âYouâre learning.â
But we are missing some hilarious potential here⌠So you guys know how bad Padme and Anakin are at pretending they donât know intimate details about each other/covering their asses/being remotely subtle? Well, once a film crew is following Anakin around on a semi-regular basis, they get even worse.
For example, Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, and Ahsoka are sent on a diplomatic mission together, documentary crew accompanying. They all board Anakinâs ship and thereâs a lovely lace outer robe lying in a crumpled heap on the copilot seat from when Anakin and Padme made their last Dramatic Escape from a senatorial function (âI thought you said you were in danger?â âI was- a few more minutes and Iâd have DIED of boredom.â) Anakin snatches it up and shoves it into his robes.Â
âSO THATâS WHERE I LEFT MY FORMAL ROBES. OBI WAN WILL BE SO PLEASED.â and then he turns bright red because he just implied that Obi Wan will be really happy to see him in a undersized, lacy robe, which is true but not the impression he intended to give the viewing public. Padme breaks a rib suppressing her laughter. The psychiatrist and crew just roll their eyes and wonder why theyâre even keeping up the pretense of deception.Â
Or, the crew just keep on finding mugs of half-drunk tea with lipstick marks in Padmeâs distinctive signature shadeÂ
âTheyâre Ahsokaâs,â Anakin blurts out.Â
Ahsoka, who is there and not wearing a single smidge of lipstick looks at the camera, looks at Padmeâs lipstick covered lips, looks back at the camera. Everyone turns to Padme. She looks around the ship. Anakin hasnât cleaned it in months. There is exposed wiring from the last time Anakin started âimprovingâ it and then got distracted. It smells like sweaty man and teenager and curry.Â
âI really enjoy the ambiance?â She offers. âItâs very⌠relaxed.â A muffled snort comes from the vicinity of Ahsoka. Anakin, who is standing next to her, steps on her foot. Ahsoka punches Anakin in the shoulder, hard. Obi Wan folds his arms and does his only sane man routine, which the psychiatrist and the documentary team now knows is Made of Lies and Deception.Â
This lasts until the team catches him sitting with Padme and Anakin in the cockpit, giving Padme a foot massage while Anakin drives.Â
âItâs a Jediâs duty to do what is needed.â He explains repressively. âThe Senator had a cramp. I did it for democracy.â Â
Despite all this fun it is a small subgenre of the Jedi fandom who end up having the greatest impact – the conspiracy theorists.
See, in among the âKenobi is secretly a Space Sirenâ, âSkywalker is the avatar of entropyâ and âthe Jedi donât die but merely change their forms and continue to save the galaxy under a new nameâ theories there are a smaller subset who are driven by the desperate need to uncover the truth of the war so that the Jedi can go back to spending more time with fans planets in need of their expertise. Everyone thinks theyâre nuts. Until they donât.
It starts as a post on a forum with user k3n0b15w00shyh41r ranting about how the war so obviously benefits the military industrial complex, and why has no one ever investigated Kamino for separatist links? User winduismygod93 points out thatâs an excellent question, and wait a moment, why exactly were the clones commissioned in the first place? I mean, it was convenient, but could you really see masters Yoda or Windu authorising the creation of sentient beings for war? User 5tone9arden agrees – could this be a smear campaign? User masspalooza posits that it was a false flag operation by the Sith, and after a bit of digging user 5ith7i9ht uncovers the Sifo Dyas link – a known associate of the traitor Dooku? Theyâre on to something. User blankdayzii is concerned about sabotage when user xxx_t4N0_xxx points out a strange bit of footage from the latest episode of âCraziest things my Jedi has done!!! – Series 3, of a clone looking suddenly disoriented and shaking his head while muttering. User y0dAts4w3sm obsessively scans footage for more case into a compilation holovid. But it is user shaak_pronounsaresirandgeneral_ti  who comes to the final conclusion: mind control. This is urgent! What if the Sith are secretly implanting sleeper agents into republic forces to shift the tides of war!!! It probably wouldnât have gone any further, except user 0biAn1da7a689 turns out to actually be the Senator for a minor system in the Mid-Rim and raises the issue in open debateâŚ
The Kaminoans rebut the accusations – some clones have occasional reactions to their aggression control chips! Which are perfectly safe from tampering because they put them in prior to deployment are you some kind of CIS sympathiser trying to undermine our brave troops senator?
Some reporter bails up the nearest Jedi for comment and oh, wouldnât you know it? Itâs General Skywalker! Here to see Senator Amidala for midweek nookie on Jedi business! Whose first response is âChips? WHAT CHIPS?â followed by a litany of curses so vile even the reporter from the  Nal Hutta Tribune is impressed. After Anakinâs brain reboots he does what he does best and angrily descends upon Obi-Wan demanding they free the clones immediately!
And that is how Palpatine had a very bad day and the Jedi fandom saved their heroes from a future full of loneliness and sand.đ
(yes there are references to some of you in the forum bit – @forcearama  should be obvious but there are at least 3 more đ)
People, Iâm sorry this is a gigantic post now but I just want you guys to see this.
I know I keep reblogging this and Iâm vaguely sorry about it, but not sorry enough that I donât need every addition to this on my blog.
But the thing about reality shows and docudramas is that theyâre all very staged and framed – music, editing, camera angles, over arching narrative construction within a season. Â So now Iâm thinking what on earth could compel a studio to make a Jedi positive series during their wartime dip in popularity. Â
Palpatine: I would appreciate an, ahem, frank yet still somewhat flattering portrayal of our republicâs heroes.  Make âem look good, but not too good, you know what I mean? Â
Some artsy liberal film maker whoâs aiming for the space oscars: jedi having mental breakdown in the middle of wartime perfect this is edgy as hell
Cue death of the author on not one, but two accounts as the galaxy realizes that Jedi deal with trauma and stress with less screaming and more âhaha you think i can force push myself to that ledge after three stims and two hours of sleep watch this padawan- what no of course iâm fine everythingâs fine hereâs three more puns about the sweet embrace of death :)))â Â
Basically Palpatine wanted dirt, the producers wanted angst, and what the galaxy accidentally got instead was five season and a movie of deadpan existential humor in the form of space monk family drama. Â
Palpatine would have stopped this long ago but unfortunately he created a system where profit reigns supreme and the studio execs are rolling in credits and will have you pry the show from their cold dead hands. Â THIS IS FEEDING THE WAR MACHINE CHANCELLOR. WE THOUGHT YOUâD BE HAPPY.
Can you imagine how differently their lives wouldâve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human? Just take a moment to imagine McGonagallâs reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasleyâs rat. Take a moment.
Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldnât get âScabbersâ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know thereâs a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagallâs desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagallâs wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.
What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwickâs Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when youâre prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae theyâd be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordanâs Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
–
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the familyâs magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus werenât even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what heâd done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought heâd done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. âErreverto.â
âErreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.â
It didnât work. It didnât work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didnât work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ronâs lips formed the shape of a word that wouldâve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didnât work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, heâd gone up to Professor McGonagallâs desk.
âUm, Professor?â
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. âProblems, Mr. Weasley?â
âUm, yeah, Professor. I canât get it to work in either direction and itâs not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I canât do a spell right and can you maybe âŚÂ ?â
âI suppose so, Mr. Weasley,â she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
âNow thatâs odd,â she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, âArcanum finite!â
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
–
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didnât listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasnât looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and heâd been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didnât bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasnât killed by a Dark Wizard then why didnât he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesnât want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didnât betray the Potters then who ⌠did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasleyâs wand.
–
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things heâd never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall ⌠he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwickâs Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
–
Ron looked stunned as the man whoâd been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagalâs expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasnât from the naked man with the wand.
âLaedo!â Minerva McGonagall roared.
–
Ron Weasleyâs wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful ownerâs abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
–
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroomâs door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the âExitium!â which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castleâs stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over Georgeâs foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, âPerdo.â
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, âThe Splinching Charm, Minerva?â
She mightâve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
âUnorthodox,â she said, âbut useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministryâ-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competentâ-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, Iâm very sorry, but I do believe itâs impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the dayâs work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.â
–
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ronâs rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort whoâd been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Pottersâ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (âGodfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!â âFramed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!â âHeart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!â) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, âbut just for a year, Iâve been cursed enough for one lifetime.â (âThe Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called âcurseâ on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.â)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.
Iâve probably reblogged this before but Iâm going to do it again right now
I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced
Iâve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.
Because to men, a key is a device to open something. For women, itâs a weapon we hold between our fingers when weâre walking alone at night.
Because the biggest insult for a guy is to be called a âpussy,â a âlittle bitchâ or a âgirl.â From here on out, being called a âpussyâ is an effing badge of honor.
Because last month, my politics professor asked the class if women should have equal representation in the Supreme Court, and only three out of 42 people raised their hands.
Because rape jokes are still a thing.
Because despite being equally broke college kids, guys are still expected to pay for dates, drinks and flowers.
Because as a legit student group, Campus Fellowship does not allow women to lead anything involving men. Look, I know Eve was dumb about the whole apple and snake thing, but I think we can agree having a vagina does not directly impact your ability to lead a
college organization.
Because itâs assumed that if you are nice to a girl, she owes you sex â therefore, if she turns you down, sheâs a bitch whoâs put you in the âfriend zone.â Sorry, bro, women are not machines you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.
Because only 29 percent of American women identify as feminist, and in the words of author Caitlin Moran, âWhat part of âliberation for womenâ is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? Did all that good shit get on your nerves? Or were you just drunk at the time
of the survey?â
Because when people hear the term feminist, they honestly think of women burning bras. Dude, have you ever bought a bra? No one would burn them because theyâre freaking
expensive.
Because Rush Limbaugh.
Because we now have a record number of women in the Senate ⌠which is a measly 20 out of 100. Congrats, USA, weâve gone up to 78th place for womenâs political representation, still below China, Rwanda and Iraq.
Because recently I had a discussion with a couple of well-meaning Drake University guys, and they literally could not fathom how catcalling a woman walking down University Avenue is creepy and sexist.
Could. Not. Fathom.
Because on average, the tenured male professors at Drake make more than the tenured female professors.
Because more people on campus complain about chalked statistics regarding sexual assault than complain about the existence of sexual assault. Priorities? Have them.
Because 138 House Republicans voted against the Violence Against Women Act. All 138 felt it shouldnât provide support for Native women, LGBT people or immigrant women. Iâm kind of confused by this, because I thought LGBT people and women of color were also human beings.
Weird, right?
Because a girl was roofied last semester at a local campus bar, and I heard someone say they think she should have been more careful. Being drugged is her fault, not the fault of the person who put drugs in her drink?
Because Chris Brown beat Rihanna so badly she was hospitalized, yet he still has fans and bestselling songs and a tattoo of an abused woman on his neck.
Because out of 7 billion people on the planet, more than 1 billion women will be raped or beaten in their lifetimes. Women and girls have their clitorises cut out, acid thrown on them and broken bottles shoved up them as an act of war. Every second of every day. Every corner of the Earth.
Because the other day, another friend of mine told me she was raped, and I can no longer count on both my hands the number of friends who have told me theyâve been sexually assaulted. Words canât express how scared I am that Iâm getting used to this.
Because a brief survey of reality will tell you that we do not live in a world that values all people equally and that sucks in real, very scary ways. Because you know we live in a sexist world when an awesome thing with the name âfeminismâ has a weird connotation. Because if I have kids someday, I want my son to be able to have emotions and play dress up, and I want my daughter to climb trees and care more about whatâs in her head than whatâs on it. Because I donât want her to carry keys between her fingers at night to
protect herself.
Because feminism is for everybody, and this is your official invitation.